Friday, February 26, 2016

The Pain Never Goes Away

I haven't blogged in a really long time, not because I don't miss my brother, or that I feel like I've recovered. Quite the opposite - the more time that passes, the more lifecycle events that occur, the more I feel his absence.

My oldest nephew had his bar mitzvah a few weeks ago. It was a happy, momentous occasion but I couldn't help but wonder how much more wonderful it would have been with Eytan by my side.

As my son, Ronen, grows older I remember Eytan with my older nephews, and what an amazing uncle he was. An uncle Ronen will never know.

The pain never goes away. I wish I had a chance to tell Eytan that before he died. I don't if it would have made a difference, knowing what a hole is was going to leave. He was obviously in a very dark place.

Last weekend I received an email from someone I have never met, who read about me in an article, found my contact info, and told me he was planning his suicide. He just needed to know how to minimize pain to his family before he did it.

After a flurry of phone calls with amazing friends and colleagues, I responded and spoke with him that evening. I told him my honest story, and how the best way for him to minimize pain to his family to be alive for them. He hadn't realized the pain didn't go away - and maybe I saved his life by sharing my story with him.

If there is anyone out there who is struggling and thinks their family will be better of without them - take it from me, you are wrong. I will never recover from the loss of my brother, there will be a hole in my life forever because he is gone. Believe me when I tell you, the pain never goes away.