Wednesday, September 14, 2011

And So Life Went On

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written here. It's not because I haven't been thinking about my brother--he's been on my mind a lot.

I got married last month. For some reason, this felt like much more of a milestone in my recovery from my brother's suicide than the anniversary of his death. I didn't feel like anything changed at the anniversary, but after the wedding, I felt like I had graduated to a new level.

It was hard that he wasn't at the wedding, but we invited him to join us (and my husband's father, who also died of suicide). AK and I learned a tractate of Talmud together in their honor, and celebrated finishing the tractate just before the wedding ceremony. This was an incredibly meaningful part of the wedding for us, and we found out later that it was meaningful to everyone--there weren't many dry eyes in the house.

We also invited my brother's best friend to be one of the witnesses of our marriage, and having him under the chuppah (marriage canopy) with us was really special. It felt like, at least in some small way, my brother was there with us.

I had been terrified in the weeks leading up to the wedding that I would be a total emotional mess. Luckily, my overactive catastrophe-centric brain was way off base. I felt sad a few times, but was able to really whole-heartedly feel joyful and celebrate at the wedding.

My brother will be with me forever, and I'll experience the pain of my loss forever, but I've gotten to that place where I can be happy and live again. I think I've reached the light at the end of the tunnel. And it feels good.